it’s complicated
August 14, 2009, 11:02 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

So I’m on another continent. Just this week a friend from NYC rocked up. It’s the kind of place you come and go from. The surf is good and the town is quiet and it’s a different kind of life. I’m not looking forward to going home but figure I need eight to nine months to put myself in a position to make new choices. It’s scary but it shouldn’t be, I’m too young for this to be scary.

This, I guess, is the first real announcement, to no one, that my relationship at home is probably over. I haven’t heard from him in six weeks and checking facebook reveals a picture with a girl. And while you would think this would be upsetting, it’s actually a huge release because I don’t have to be the bad guy for once. Maybe we can say it died of natural causes.

I had a slow process of recognition of unhappiness about a month ago, followed by panic in that most of my stuff is stored at his house, followed by a day of sadness when I realized I was never going back to him and whatever we had was really over. That gentle mourning feeling.

There were good times. Yeah, we can say that. And certain things in common.

But in the past year it was mostly a lot of effort and the trade off was stability and the chemistry was dead and I spent way too much time unhappy. I think I probably knew, as I always do, when he really really blew my birthday. Ah, the litmus. When I finally find someone who doesn’t make me sad on my birthday maybe I’ll know it’s a go. He began to change into what he will be, education eroding the gentleness I’d loved so much, and I can’t remember when there were fireworks last. Our future became archtypes, me holding it together and making sure the house runs, him absorbed in work and himself. It’s hard to let go after two and a half years, but in the end it was mostly long distance and I kept breaking up with him and it didn’t change anything.

Oh, and if laundry is being hung out, I’m seeing someone else

(at least until I leave the country and then we’ll have to have some conversations, although we’re already thinking about surf trips in the future and I’m getting regular questions from his friends and family about my feelings on this part of the world)

Which is what would have made me the bad guy.

High school in an all boys private school taught him manners and chivalry. He nursed me back to health when I got gross and sick and always brings me tea in the mornings. He thanks me when I make food or clean something up and always opens my car door first. He took me to the most perfect restaurant on a proper date. He says sincere lovely things, even in front of other people, and has a sense of humor. The chemistry is the best I’ve ever had, setting an unreasonable standard for the future.

Maybe unsurprisingly, he surfs. Well. Really well.