Underthecurrent


(Last night I dreamt I was at a Johnny Cash concert.)
July 21, 2010, 11:03 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Comments on work. Sometimes Im reluctant to make any because I feel like I will be held to them or people will make unfair judgment calls about things best not judged unless experienced. Theres no point in waxing over whats great or what will be missed. The stand-out moments are few and far between, but very sweet. Enough to believe in, to retain that small amount of idealism.

Then theres the other side, the litany of things that used to make me concerned but now just make me feel relieved I wont have to deal with them anymore. The past week, as the constant guilt coupled with frequent anxiety subsides, feels so much better. Muscles less tense, eyes less strained. Quitting has been expected, admittedly, to be a huge head trip full of emotional reactions to making a big life decision, a lot of negative emotion, maybe even grief.

It never occurred to me until now that maybe it will just feel like relief. The past two years were not at all a waste. The results: a small amount of financial stability, a couple of credentials, and license to say I checked things out.

Theres a significant learning curve ahead. I have a set amount of money and no real idea how long it will last or when there will be more. For the record, I earmarked a chunk of it to get me to a place where I can get a work visa if necessary and another chunk to cover health insurance for the first year. Theres some cash locked up that would, hopefully, be enough to land in a North American city and start over, the back up to the back up in a worst-case scenario. Some parts in what is about to happen may be more difficult than anything so far.

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