The ninety-first day
August 11, 2016, 10:35 pm
Filed under: work work work work work | Tags: ,

The King Wave is coming.  On Monday, they will know she is leaving.  A month’s notice.

There’s the sad part, losing ally numero uno; and the envy part, because it’s a good opportunity, roads not traveled and all that.

But this will cause a shuffle, stir some dust.  Maybe a good thing.  Dust is good for cover.


January 18, 2016, 12:27 am
Filed under: Canada, runaway, voyageur | Tags: ,

Mexico.  Going to Mexico.  To sit on a beach, eat tacos, drink beer and horchata, be reminded of a lack of Spanish fluency.  Because it’s reasonably priced in a year of currency chaos and one direct flight.  Because the ocean is clear and moving.  Because it’s been nearly twenty years?

For the first time as an adult, staying at a resort.  Not just a resort, an all-inclusive resort.  Please hand your rough travel credentials in at the door, bourgie life.

It’s pragmatism.  The hypothetical of having everything set up to run smoothly, of not calculating exchange rates and whether more cash needs to be converted, of in-room conveniences like beach towels.  It’s not having to decide at the airport to spend cash on a cab versus spend a hour on local transport with a significant language barrier praying you’re not actually off to an inaccessible part of the city where it may be dark and you may be robbed.  It’s the option of pre-travel research without the sense that if you fail to put the research in you may well not know about the entry visa/ridiculous airport ATMs that charge high fees and only let you withdraw $30/ferry that only runs on Tuesday at 3pm from the town with no accomodation.

Three years four months in one place has made the world feel smaller.  Quiet comparisons to how things are done elsewhere have faded.  An index of places to go and return to has more question marks than clarity, the world is not static.  A former sense of being able to critically evaluate information diseminated by the media is dulled, too few points of reference.

As though nothing else is out there.

In three years, four months, a complete summary.  A long weekend taking all forms of transit through the PNW until Portland.  About seventeen days on Oahu, mostly North Shore, split over two trips.  A day trip to Washington state, a wedding in Ohio and a flyby few days in Vegas.  No passport stamps, no new continents.  All Anglo. Not enough time, less than ten days per year, which is not even 3%.

Maybe this creates opportunities in the future, deferring the short and inevitably expensive long haul trips in favor of the better part of a year.  Maybe the world shifts and it doesn’t work out, or there’s another dream to chase.  I guess we’ll see.

September 28, 2011, 7:46 am
Filed under: insight, when I grow up | Tags: ,

“You’re the new playthings in town, the new girls.”
“This is not my first rodeo.”
“I’m just saying – they only want to get you in bed and then they will break your heart.”
“How do you know that I’m not here to break hearts?”

So I got a non-industry job, got on a bus, and found myself in a small town an hour away from the ocean. I have no idea how to take a bus out of town, but I’ve worked every day since arriving in some capacity anyways. There is a nice coffee shop, a well stocked grocery store, a pool and a bunch of people my age.

The worst has been confirmed: I like it.

I had wanted to take a job outside of what I had been doing for the past five years to remember what it felt like to do some other kind of work. There was no way to do this discreetly at home, so the other side of the world it was. Conveniently, the recession really is just an idea out here and wages are delightfully high. Most of us at this gig sort of fudged our experience and some of us are not exactly what we represented; the guy in the kitchen has an Art History degree with a thesis on Prehistoric Cave Drawings.

The idea of whether or not I should attempt to re-enter the industry I left in about a year and a half begins to weigh. At a wedding this summer, one of my parents friends (half-cut) begged me not to waste my education. I promised not to (half-cut). But the suit I brought just in case hangs in my room like a halloween costume. I think, in the end, the problem for me was the Big Pretend.

Last week a friend sent me a message about being interviewed by someone from my class. They asked for the inside story. I flashed back to first year, the parties, the friendships. That year remains one of the best of my life. It was such a raw year for all of us, honest and sometimes hard. It was the year before anyone really started acting the part or looking at each other as serious competition. Answering the message, I realized I knew the most intimate details of that classmate’s life. In fact, I knew intimate details from most of my classmate’s lives. Who and what they loved, where they had been, what they had done.

By the end, most surfaces had changed. People bought different clothes, got different haircuts, but more importantly developed different mannerisms and ways of dealing with others. We imitated until we made it. I think for a lot of my classmates it was more natural, either they had grown up with a close family member they were emulating or their personalities meshed well with the demands of the job. For me, the big pretend was on.

Rather than selling just my knowledge, I had to sell myself and make myself into the product everyone was expecting. I was encouraged to get hobbies and join groups that would make me more enticing. My image became a bunch of clothes that, although much more expensive, felt a lot like the grocery store deli uniform I was forced to wear at sixteen. My social life involved attending parties and events where I monitored what I said and which jokes I told and whose jokes I laughed at. In a different universe I probably could have rolled the dice and just been myself, but I felt like doing that would jeopardize my opportunity to see if this was what I wanted.

Now my life is my own and only my time is for sale.

October 25, 2009, 1:40 am
Filed under: unrelated thoughts | Tags:

Today has mostly been hanging hard after a sponsored ‘arts’ benefit last night. There were a lot of important people there, I have no idea who any of them are or what makes them important. There was a lot of wine and nice food. After we went to an open house at a graphic design studio, then to the a pub where I dared someone to get another girl’s dress and she came out of the bathroom wearing it. It was skin tight pleather. No one ever does what I dare them to do; refereshing.

Whenever I’m having a relationship issue I have the urge to get in touch with… generally, just guys I’ve had brief involvements with, where the memories are good and maybe a little unfinished, for reasons of time and space usually. Today one of them broke up with his girlfriend and sent me a message. It’s weirdly refreshing to know my creeping is reciprocal.

Madonna – Celebration

and now I can get back to studying board shapes
May 25, 2009, 11:51 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags:

Today I was informally offered a job. Cash conversations Wednesday. I wish I had been less of a wuss about the process because then I would be able to tell a magical story of asking what I wanted for and getting it as though it were that simple and I was that fearless.

On the upside, the next financial arrangement should clear all my student loans, puts me in the same city as El Novio and is cool with my taking three (likely three and a half) months off in the process.